Sama Farrag Happy Haunting everyone! Season 13 of American Horror Story is afoot. After two years and a terrible twelfth season (sorry, Delicate – no one liked you), the thirteenth, highly anticipated season is dropping on the 24th. And unless you plan on ghosting your boss, ditching your friends, and ignoring every single adult responsibility on your plate, you are not rewatching twelve entire seasons before Thursday. So pick your poison.
I grew up watching American Horror Story, which means an absurd amount of my teenage years was spent taking detailed notes on the rules of a haunted house, supreme witch politics, and whatever was happening in the halls of the Hotel Cortez. Back then, September meant a terrifying new title sequence Iโd pretend wouldn’t give me nightmares, followed by four months of getting waaaay too attached to characters destined to end up dead, possessed, or rotting in Hell.
Now Season 13 is days away, and although I have an unhealthy amount of AHS lore taking up too much space in my brain, I still might need a refresher. Ask me to map out the exact butterfly effect connecting Murder House to Apocalypse? Absolutely not.
The good news? You don’t need a cheat sheet or a 72-hour marathon. You just need to figure out what kind of unhinged vibe youโre in the mood for right now.
If you want pure 2011 nostalgia: Murder House
The Vibe: “What if we bought a massive mansion in LA that’s obviously haunted because the rent was too cheap?”
Letโs take back to where it all started. The Harmons buy a gorgeous house and proceed to make every terrible decision humanly possible. Ghosts are casually moping in the hallways, Jessica Lanageโs Constance Langdon is barging in with ipecac-laced baked goods, Tate has just enough red flags for an edgy teenage girl to fall in love with, and the Rubber Man drops by whenever the show feels like ruining your whole evening.
Itโs still the easiest season to slip back into because it nailed the original recipe. Melodrama, jump scares, and Jessica Lange delivering lines like rent was due. Plus, with Jessica Lange reprising Constance for Season 13, you might actually want to refresh your memory on where the lore began.
Perfect for a trip down memory lane. You couldnโt go anywhere in 2014 without at least five people wearing a โNormal People Scareโ me t-shirt. Also, Evan Peters. Thatโs all.
If you want high fashion and Femme Fatales: Coven
The Vibe: “I spent my entire allowance on black lace and wide-brimmed hats.”
You already know. Coven is the season you put on when you want horror, but you also want glitz and glamour and fashion. Fiona Goode is pure poison, Cordelia is stressing herself into an early grave trying to keep everyone safe, Madison Montgomery is our favorite โI hate that I love youโ, and Stevie Nicks just casually strolls into the plot because Ryan Murphy looked at a story about dark magic and thought, “Needs more shawl twirling.”
This season gave us the Supreme lore, Miss Robichauxโs Academy, and the whole foundation for Apocalypse. Since the witches are making their big comeback in Season 13, this one is basically mandatory. Weโve all spent at least a week after watching this trying to telekinetically slide a mug across the kitchen table.
If you want unadulterated, blood-soaked campiness: Hotel
The Vibe: “Gothic romance, but make it a neon-drenched Vogue editorial.”
Hotel is one of the AHS seasons that has mixed opinions. Me personally? Obsessed. Itโs a chaotic, decadent, and deliciously trashy fashion show where everyone is high on blood and drama. Lady Gaga makes her debut in the AHSverse and is serving killer vampire couture as the Countess, gliding down hallways in floor-length silk capes with a chainmail glove designed specifically for slicing throats. Meanwhile, Evan Peters is hamming it up with a theatrical 1920s accent as James Patrick March – a man who built a whole luxury hotel just so heโd have enough drywall to hide his body count.
Itโs gory, ridiculous and super spicy. Everybody looks stunning while being completely terrible people. Besides for Liz Taylor – we love you, Liz Taylor. With Mr. March popping up in Season 13, now is the perfect time to remind yourself why that pencil mustache was so iconic.
If you want to be deeply unsettled and scared stiff: Asylum
The Vibe: “I would like to sleep with every single light on tonight, thanks.”
Remember when American Horror Story wasn’t just campy fun, but was real and true wonโt-get-a-wink-at-night horrifying?
My absolute favorite season of AHS. Asylum throws a serial killer, aliens, demonic possession, religious guilt, and Sister Jude into a blender at Briarcliff Manor – and somehow makes it a masterpiece. Jessica Lange gives a performance that is equal parts terrifying as it is utterly tragic, Sarah Paulson is an absolute force as Lana Winters, and the whole thing just squeezes your soul. Lily Rabe steals the show as Sister Mary Eunice, but unfortunately she wonโt be reprising her role this season. Langeโs Sister Jude, however, is returning for Season 13, so if you need a reminder of just how dark peak AHS could get, this is your stop. Enjoy the ride.
If Evan Peters giving you severe anxiety and political unrest is your cup of tea: Cult
The Vibe: “Real life is already terrifying, so let’s dial the paranoia up to eleven.”
The season kicks off right as the 2016 election results roll in and Trump wins – a horror in itself. Evan Peters has played a lot of weirdos on this show, but Kai Anderson takes the cake. Kai is a blue-haired political cult leader who feeds on paranoia, chaos, and internet-fuelled rage. It ditches supernatural ghosts and demonic portals to focus on human garbage – which, frankly, makes it way harder to shake off when you turn the TV off.
Peters is bringing Kai back for Season 13, which means the blue hair and the psychological torture are officially back. Brace yourselves for impact.
If you want fever-dream madness and Lana Del Rey: Freak Show
The Vibe: “I don’t know what’s happening, but Jessica Lange is singing David Bowie so I’m staying.”
A travelling circus? Check. A nightmare clown with zero sense of personal space? Check. Sarah Paulson playing conjoined twins? Check. Jessica Lange doing mid-century glam rock covers in a pale blue suit? Check, check, check.
Freak Show is bizarre, messy, and soul-crushing sad. Twisty the Clown is being dragged back from the dead for Season 13, so if you spent years trying to erase that terrifying face mask from your brain, I bid you my sincerest condolences – you’re going to have to face it all over again.
Honorable Mention: 1984
The Vibe: “Leg warmers, Kajagoogoo, and pure 80s slasher fun.”
If you don’t have the emotional bandwidth for heavy trauma and sobbing because your favorite character just died and youโre looking for a quick and breezy slasher fix, 1984 is an absolute blast. Itโs a love letter to classic summer camp slasher flicks – think Friday the 13th loaded up with big hair, neon spandex, endless synth music, and a killer roaming Camp Redwood. And Richard Ramirez. Yes, that Richard Ramirez. It doesn’t take itself seriously for a single second, which makes it the ultimate low-stakes palate cleanser before the Season 13 madness hits.
The beauty of American Horror Story is that you don’t need a PhD in its lore to jump back in. Whether you want glamorous witches, campy vampires, Jessica Lange screaming at someone while wearing a fabulous outfit, or you just want to stare at Evan Peters for a few hours, the show has got you covered. Take your pick, put your phone on do-not-disturb, and let’s see what unhinged pandemonium Ryan Murphy has cooked up for us this time.
See you on the other side, and may the frights be ever in your favor!
