How to Be Interdependent Instead of Codependent

Most people I know tend to be very giving in their relationships. They sacrifice their needs for others all the time, whether to constantly make them happy or make room for people to vent out all their negative feelings. While that sounds rather admirable, and it truly can be, you should not continuously lose your sense of self in the process. Here are a few key differences between codependency and interdependency.

Let’s begin with a quote by Melody Beattie to shed light on the simple, subtle ways we can unknowingly lean towards being codependent… In her book, ‘Codependent No More’, she writes,

“Ever since people first existed, they have been doing all the things we label “codependent.” They have worried themselves sick about other people. They have tried to help in ways that didn’t help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backwards avoiding hurting people’s feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed.”

In contrast, healthy, interdependent relationships allow both sides to maintain an unshakeable sense of self and commit to their most cherished values. [I’m not looking for you to tell me who I am.] Both sides are also free to build more relationships and connect with other people in their world. In the case of marriage, each spouse gets to spend time with his/her friends without any attached feelings of guilt. There is a spirit of abundance, where you want the very best for each other, and surely realize that you can’t possibly fulfill all of your spouse’s wants and needs by yourself.

For example, there is no insecurity about having his friends also cheer him up a bit if he’s been going through a rough time. There is no weirdness about giving her some time to be alone and process her thoughts whenever she needs it. You want to avoid the ‘savior mentality’ at all costs, where you believe that you are the only person who can provide what they need and that if you don’t do everything perfectly, they will crumble. It’s just not true.

Please keep in mind that we never encourage independent, emotionally-distant relationships. Of course, we all need each other but not to the point of suffocation. Of course, it’s natural to worry about your friend or significant other if they pass through a storm but don’t let it drive you insane to the point where you can’t even help them. Sometimes, we worry too much because we falsely believe that what people feel is always hinging upon what we say or do. In layman’s terms, we call that textbook codependency, and it is not something we aspire to keep in our relationships.