It is practically impossible to have an authentic relationship with anyone where you’ve never faced conflict. If that’s your case, I would assume you either constantly fear doing something to upset them or you never share with them what you really think. Since we’re all different and hold gloriously diverse points of view, conflict is rather inevitable.
Now rather than later, it’s good to learn how to handle disagreement, in romantic relationships, close friendships, and most definitely, in connection with family members. Here are some tools that will help you maintain the right mindset and a heart to reconcile and connect during conflict.
If you need to, take the time to simmer down
You don’t want to get into it with both sides carrying a lot of heat. At least one side needs to be calm for this to turn into a fruitful conversation. Many of us need only a few minutes before our temper is back to normal; others need up to an hour or a day if they’re really upset. Allow for that room to rest because it’s better to talk with a clear head rather than make things worse and regret later.
Listen without interruption
It is recommended that the person most upset should be the first to speak, because in the state they’re in, it will probably be harder for them to listen to you. Hear them out until the end. Don’t interrupt them. Don’t try to defend yourself even if you don’t agree with them. Resist the urge to think of a sharp comeback. Since the end goal is connection and understanding, you want to really understand why they’re upset and how your actions impact them.
Say the truth in love
Begin by acknowledging what you heard them express so they know that they are heard and understood. Affirm your love and connection with them. If you disagree with what they said, you can say something along the lines of – “I love you but I disagree with [a specific point] because …” or “I understand where you’re coming from but I think there is another way to …” If you face the temptation to become defensive and protect yourself, remind yourself again that it will get you nowhere. The reason you’re having this conversation in the first place is to understand each other better and eventually connect on a deeper level. You’re not here to prove that you’re better than someone else. It’s not a competition to win. If you handle this moment right, you might end up getting even closer than you were before the disagreement.
